Determination

Determination. It's a good quality to have. It's sets the unmotivated people apart from the motivated people. It allows one to look at a situation, no matter how complicated, and know they will overcome. It's about not backing down when a challenge arises. Determination gets you where you want to go even if it means taking small steps. I possess this quality. Maybe a little too much of it.


The Mliltary
It started in junior high with a dream of joining the military. I was determined to start a new life, my life. I didn't just want to join any branch of service though. I didn't want to be an airman (although that was my initial plan). I didn't want to be a sailor. I didn't want to be a soldier. I wanted to be a Marine.

I started speaking to the recruiters when I was 17. People questioned my decision. I was too skinny (don't I wish that was the case now). The Marines were too tough. I was joining because I wanted to be surrounded by boys and so on. I made my choice and when I was 18 and had graduated high school I started my journey as a Marine.

Now there really aren't that many women in the Marine's so why did I choose that branch of the service? My answer, because I was determined to do what few (male or female) would ever think to do. I was determined to show myself, despite what some others had said, that I could do it and I did it.


Single Mom
Single motherhood, that was the next big challenge I was determined to face head on. I never really thought I'd have kids so being a single mother definitely never crossed my mind. Having a child was not something I yearned for. I never pictured myself having a big princess wedding, getting married, or having kids. Those were not my dreams but dreams, plans, life...it changes. I became a mom and subsequently a single mom all in a short period of time.

Single motherhood was tough. Especially tough when going through the initial shock of being separated or going through a divorce. Even tougher when you're very young and not yet established in life. And even more tough when you start over again with nothing. No job, no possessions, nothing.

I left my ex-husband on a whim. I didn't give myself time to think about it. If I had then I wouldn't have left. I needed to leave.  I left. This meant I was leaving my life behind, my apartment, my job, my furniture, my husband. What I didn't leave behind was my child. Instead I became a single mother. A single mother who was determined to establish a healthy and happy life for her child. I didn't want help. I didn't want pity. I wanted to just get through it. I received no aid. I received no child support. I asked no one for sympathy. In fact I was embarassed. I was 23, about to be divorced, and a single mom with no education aside from high school. All this against me yet I was determined to show myself I could overcome. I did.  I am now happily married, educated, and have a good job.


College
I got my associates degree as a single mother. I worked 40 hours a week to support myself and my child. I had my own apartment. I had my own car. I had my child. I had everything I needed all because I was determined.

College was never in my sights. It wasn't something I ever wanted to do. I was going to retire from the military at the age of 38 so why did I need to go to college? Well, life took me on a different route and I enrolled shortly after I got out of the Marines.

I knew that to get anywhere in the workforce an education was key. I didn't drop out of school when I left my ex-husband.  Oh no.  That would have been easy.  Sit around and wallow in my misery.  No, not me.  Instead I transferred to the local community college and trucked on. It was defnitely hard to work full time (night shift for a few months even), go to school full time, socialize, and have a toddler. I was even going to the gym a few days a week. I am sure I complained a little. I'm sure I was exhausted but I knew I had to do it. I set out to get a degree and I was determined to get one. After 2 1/2 years I had an associates degree.

Determination kicked in and a few years later I had a bachelor's degree. Next a master's but don't mention that in front of Andrew. He thinks I may never stop going to school. He may be right.


Work

And the challenge that influenced me to write this, work.

After the military I had a series of low paying jobs, most of which I knew would lead me nowhere. I soon learned that not only did I need an education but I needed a lot experience as well. I eventually decided that I needed to stick to one field in order to move up in the world. Somehow I landed in accounting. Honestly, I hate math. How did I end up working with numbers? I learned that it's really not that hard as long as I have my trusty calculator and Excel spreadsheets.

My last job is what I credit for getting me to where I am now. That and determination. I knew within the first week at that job that I couldn't stay. I had hopes and dreams of growing out of that postion and moving forward and up. After a year I realized that wasn't to be. I was miserable. I hated the job. I had a deep dislike for some of the people who worked there. I didn't agree with some of the practices. I was going nowhere fast. Rather than look within the company to promote they hired from outside. I was in a dead end job. After that realization hit I knew what I had to do. I was determined to get my experience and get out. I did that and more.

For a long time I wanted to work in the department I now work in. I had been telling people for a long time that I will get in somehow. It's hard but I'll get my foot in the door. I didn't know what I would do within the department to start but I didn't care. I wanted in. Last year I got in. My determination overcame the obstacles (and there were some). Now that I'm in I've already set my eye on the next step. The step that I had planned to get to all this time. I am determined to get where I want to be. I know I will get there. Determination drives me. In the end I will make it happen.

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The Beginning of the End

After that fateful night at the club I realized I wasn't really that much into V. He seemed too possessive for my tastes so I moved on. I still dated him, if you can even call it that, but I dated others as well and was trying to distance myself from him. I was young and having fun with life. He was just a fling for the moment. I never expected it nor wanted it to be more.

In February of 1999 both V and I found out we would be stationed at Camp Pendleton Marine Corps Base in California. That was exciting news for me. I was going home! Not really to my home but close enough for me to visit on weekends. I was also excited because I would know someone else there...V. Wait, wasn't I trying to rid myself of him?

V headed out about a week before me. All I knew was he was going to the air station on base. I knew nothing else and I didn't hear from him at all that entire week. A sign?

When I got to Camp Pendleton I found out I was to live in the middle of nowhere. A sparsley populated area of the base miles and miles from anything. Miles and miles away from V. I had no way of contacting him (remember this is before the widespread use of cellphones). I was alone.

I was alone, yes but I was determined. Within a day or two I had hitched a ride down to the air station barracks. There were a ton of barracks. A lot, but that didn't stop me. I was hell bent on finding V for some reason. Why? Wasn't it just a fling? Wasn't I trying to get rid of him when we were in NC? Why was I trying to find him? He had a horrible temper and was possessive. What was I doing?

I started knocking on doors at random until I hit the jackpot. One guy knew where the "new" guy's barracks room was.  Could it be?  Had I really found V?  On this massive base.  Among thousands of Marines did I find the one I was looking for?  I headed over to the room I was directed to and nervously knocked on the door hoping that the Marine I had just spoken to was correct, that this was the room I would find the "new" guy.


The door opened and there was V.

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Eighteen

18...that's how old I was when I met V. Eighteen. So young. So naive.

I met V when I was 18. He was 18 as well. We met right after bootcamp at our MOS school (military occupational school...I think). It was November 1998. We were in North Carolina. We were young. We were free from our parents. We were on our own.

It was my first weekend at MOS school and I wanted to party. Using our investigative skills myself and a friend found out about a hotel party going on off base. Score! Our first night out! It was exciting.

We headed over to the hotel. It was easy to find the room. A bunch of guys were hanging out on the balcony outside. We made our way up and worked our girlish charms on them. It worked. We were in! They told us there was beer in the room so I headed in and saw him. The keeper of the beer. V.

I didn't think much about him at first glance. Maybe I didn't even really see him. My eyes were on the free beer. I was 18 with no way of getting any myself so I had hit the jackpot. V was stocking the fridge with freshly purchased beer. I asked him for one. He wasn't particularly nice to me. Actually he was a total ass (a warning sign?). I somehow managed to get a beer from him and went to hang out with the nice guys. That was the end of that.

But it wasn't.

After awhile at the hotel we all decided to hit a club that we had heard let minors drink. We didn't hesitate to hail a taxi and get over there. We were all in MOS school and had just gotten there that week so none of us had cars yet.

At the club we all had our drinks, were dancing, and talking. A few of the guys...OK all of the guys...were hitting on me but V seemed to ignore me. Why? Everyone else seemed to be interested in me. Plus he was the cutest one out of all the guys. He was my target. I would get him to notice me and I did. Mistake? Eventually we started talking because I had mentioned I was part Puerto Rican. Another guy was as well. It just so happened that V was too.

OK, let me stop there and let the people that know the story of V and I laugh. Done yet? :) That is a whole story in itself. One day I'll write about that.

Once I managed to get V to notice me we danced the night away and spent the rest of the night together. I started to like him. Maybe he started to like me too.

I was 18. So young. So naive.

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Thinking back....

A few years ago when I was going through my divorce and separation from V people who knew what was going on in my life would comment on how strong I was or they'd state that they didn't know how I could do it. Now yes, those are kind words possibly meant for encouragement but they eventually started to annoy me. I was only doing what I felt any loving mother should do...keep going.

At that time I was in my early 20s, a mother, a fulltime student, and was employed fulltime. I was mother and father to my daughter. I was a single mom.

Did I have a choice? Yes. I could have stayed in my miserable marriage and let my daughter grow up in a hostile environment. I wouldn't have been a single mother then. I could have stayed but I didn't. I chose a different path. The path of single motherhood.

It was a very scary prospect and I think that's what kept me in my marriage for so long but one day something turned on inside and I made the choice to leave. I left everything behind and started over.

I was 23 and the mother of a 2 year old. I was starting over..with nothing.

I mourned the loss of my marriage but eventually I got over it. Life continued for me and my daughter. I stayed in school, I continued to work, I continued to be mommy.

Was I strong? Maybe. But for me it was something I had to do. I wasn't a superwoman or a wonderwoman. I wasn't the only woman experiencing this and I wouldn't be the last. I was just a single mother that had to get by for her sake and her daughter's sake.

Many of us don't expect to be thrust in the single mother role but it happens and what do you do about it if it happens to you? Exactly what I did. Pick up the pieces and keep going.

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Day 12

Something you never get compliments on

Pshh, that's easy!  My butt!  No one ever ever ever compliments me on my butt.  Why?  Because I am seriously lacking in that area.

I totally look lopsided.  I have a large chest and no butt so it looks like I can tip over forward at any moment.  Not only that but I can't fill out jeans very well unless they are super tight.  When I am heavy I have a little bit of a butt but when I am thing I am FLAT back there.  :(

That's all.  I don't want to talk about it anymore. 

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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Been MIA

I know I know I have been MIA for a few days.  I promise I have not forgotten about this.  Ideally I'd like to do one truth a day but I can't now.  I started a new job and there's no way to log on here at that place.  I won't even try.  I guess I can always post from my phone but that really sucks and I would only do that for a very short blog.  I promise I will be back...maybe this weekend.

My life has changed this past week.  I love my job.  Yes, I actually like it!  That's pretty exciting.  I can wake up and not d,read going to work.  Such a weird thing for me.  I usually hate work but not this time.  I like this place and the people I work with.  My schedule has changed and I get home pretty late now so I really don't have much time to do anything before it's bed time.

This weekend I'll be back though to post at least one.  

30 Days of Truths: Day 11

Day 11 

Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Oooh, what do people compliment me on?  I am going to have to say my eyes.  They are a light green, maybe hazel.  When I wear black eyeliner my eyes pop and look super green.  This happens when I wear certain color clothes too.  I can't really tell how much my eye color pops out but I get a lot of compliments on it.  

I get compliments on how I juggle life.  I am one to like to stay busy.  A few months ago I was working full time, going to school full time, and being a wife and mother full time.  Many people are amazed at how I can keep it all together and manage such a busy life.  I like it.  I don't know why but I like being busy.  I just finished school so I supplemented that with working out.  

When i was a single mom I had the same schedule.  I worked and went to school full time.  I just feel like I need to better myself and by doing all this I keep busy and work on bettering myself.  I would say that is definitely something people compliment me on.  My dedication.   

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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 10

Day 10 

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

There really is no one I need to let go or wish I didn't know.  A few years ago, when I found out who I was, I went through a cleansing process.  I stopped communicating with anyone I felt was not on a similar life path as me.  What I mean is, anyone that would poison all my hard work, negative people, people not going anywhere in life etc.  I don't look back and regret that.  I know that's what I had to do to make myself a better person.  

Although I purged my friend's list I don't wish I never knew any of the ones I let go.  Everyone brought some type of lesson to my life, joy, or anger.  I learned from each person something I can take with me forever.  I don't regret knowing anyone.

I am now surrounded by great friends.  I love all of my friends and Andrew made it better by bringing in his amazing friends as well.  

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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 9

Day 09 

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

This one isn't hard.  Finally an easy one.  I will mention no names but some of you may know who I am speaking of if you knew me in high school.  

Someone I didn’t want to let go, but just drifted was J.  I didn't want to let J go. 

We met when I was 16 and she was 14.  We instantly became best friends.  I don't know how it happened but we connected immediately.  When she started high school we were inseparable.  We did everything together.  If one of us didn't go to school the other would ditch or feign sickness to stay home.  We were that inseparable!  Neither of us had great home lives and I think that lead us to become more attached to each other.  We both needed someone.

One day J met JI, a year or so into our friendship.  He was pretty hot back in those days.  All the girls wanted him but she got him.  Her and I ended up having bad blood between each other because of an incident concerning him.  I won't go into details here.  It's not something I care to speak about but I was in the wrong.  After that we drifted.  We really drifted apart more than I wanted.  I was heartbroken.  I had lost my J.  

After I graduated I got a surprise call.  It was her!  She was scared.  She didn't know what to do.  She had no one to turn to but me.  She was pregnant.  She was 16.  I was there for her during that conversation but it was too late.  We still had drifted and I had moved on to my new life.  I was in the military and not around anymore.   I kept in touch as much as I could but it wasn't easy for either of us.  Once in awhile she would reach out to me.  She was having a rough time in life.  JI wasn't the dream guy everyone thought.  All he was  was a pretty face.  


A few years later I ended moving into the same apartments as her after I left my ex.  It was a great thing and a bad thing.  Turns out JI was a huge douche.  I thought my ex was a douche.  This one had him beat by a million times seven.  He pretty much kept her away from me as much as he could.  I lived right across from them yet we barely saw each other.  That sucked.  We tried to keep contact but it was hard.  


I moved away and moved on.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  She wasn't able to have a friendship with me and I was tired of trying.  This went on over the years.  We'd reconnect after a year or so.  Talk then drift.  It was really really hard but I had to let go so I did.  for awhile at least. 


Last year we reconnected again.  It was great while it lasted.  A lot has gone on with her.  She is no longer with him.  She is happier now though and I am thankful for that.  We talked a bit and I thought "we" were back.  Not so.  

I visited her a few times but I'm not sure she's ready for a full on friendship yet.  I wonder if it's because my presence reminds her of the past.   I know now not to bring it up but we just aren't close anymore.  I miss her.  I miss our talks.  I miss my J.


I try to let her go but I can't.  I think I will forever pursue our friendship and when she's ready she will let me know. 

   
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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 8

Day 08
Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

Wow, well that title is straight to the point!  This one is easy and I'm sure you already know who I am going to talk about.  

Before I start I would like you all to know that I'm over the past.  I don't dwell on it and I don't let it fester in my mind.  Of course once in awhile it will cross my mind but I don't let it bother me.  It is the past and something that led me to be who I am today.  If I let it simmer in my mind then I would be a miserable soul.  I chose to move on.  Plus, I am in a happy place now. I will answer these questions because I said I would and I will be open and honest.

I'm sure some of you have guessed this is going to be about V.  He treated me like crap from day one.  I didn't really see it that way at first.  I was supposedly in love and that seriously blinded me to all his wrong doings until one day I saw it.

I was very late into my pregnancy, probably 8 months or so when I opened my eyes.  He was partying a lot and lying about where he was going.  He would say he was one place and when I would call or go to see when he'd be home I would find out he had left hours ago to go to TJ or some club.  I actually drove all the way to TJ once to find him...yes, TJ as in Tijuana, Mexico!  No joke.  Man, I was crazy 8 months pregnant lady!  

Anyway, back to the story.  I start getting suspicious so I do some snooping.  Guess what I find.  An open condom wrapper in his pocket!  Oh of course it wasn't his he claimed.  Next thing I see (another time) is a hickey on his neck.  Really?  Can't you be a little more discreet?  There was more of course but those two were my eye opening moments. 

I was heartbroken by all this.  How could he do this to me when I was pregnant and about to have his child?  It all went downhill from there.  OK really it had been going downhill since before we even got married.  He cheated on me all the time and yet I stayed hoping it would change.  We moved to NC from CA.  I tried everything.  i thought moving would help.  no such luck there.  It would be OK for a month or two then it would go back to the same thing.

After we moved to NC I thought he had changed.  Ha!  I was so wrong.  He had been deployed for 8 months before we moved.  He had left when Suri was a month old.  He had a new baby so there was no way he would cheat now right?  Hehehe. IDIOT ME!  Of course he did!  He was with some chick the entire time he was over there.  He had conjured up some story about me (his crazy baby mama) and Suri.  It really was totally bizarre but she bought it.  He was carrying on this affair even after he left Japan.  They had been communicating via email and this is how I found out about it.  Wow, way to treat your wife huh?  Didn't he realize by this time that I was mega-detective?   

There was more than just cheating and it just all got to be too much for me one day.  I left.  

I think back now and I realize how horrible that relationship was.  He had always treated me like crap yet I stayed for so long.  I really can't remember one happy moment in that relationship.  It really was all a joke.  It was crap.  He treated me like crap and I am so happy I had enough courage to leave.  I left with nothing but my bedset and Suri's stuff.  I started over with nothing.  It was the best decision I have ever made in my life.  Look at where I am now!   
  
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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 7

Day 07  

Someone who has made your life worth living for 

I am totally not the mushy type.  This one is mushy and lovey dovey.  So not me!  I am noticing a trend here.  I am not liking answering these very much.  So far I have only liked one and that was the one about what I loved about myself.  Conceited much?  

I don't even know how to begin.  Who has made my life worth living for?  I have never been suicidal so not living has never been an issue.  I am terrified of death so everything is worth living for in my opinion.  OK, but I guess I'm supposed to name a person, huh?  Well, I guess I'll have to go with the obvious choices...Andrew and Suraya.  Oh wait, can't forget my little monsters Sammy and Lulu.

Those four make my days so much more interesting and fun.  

Andrew is a huge dork.  A big kid really.  That childlike personality he has (he can be serious when he needs to be) works very well with Suraya.  They can play all day long and do the weirdest things and have fun.  Aside from his dorkiness Andrew is the sweetest guy.  He came into my life at a time where I was thinking I was done with men for awhile.  He made me realize there are good guys out there and I knew early in our relationship we'd get married.  I never had that feeling before, where you just know he's the one until I met Andrew. 

Suraya was so young when all the drama happened in our lives.  She knew when I was having a bad time and she would just come up and hug me.  It really was very touching for a 2 year old to sense something was wrong and try to comfort me.  She still does that if she sees me down.   
 

Sammy and Lu are the two most adorable doggies ever.  Both have such different personalities.  Lu is the wild and super hyper one and Sammy is the more reserved one.  They do the funniest things and always have me laughing.  Those two are so much fun.  I am so glad we decided to get dogs.  They make life quite interesting.

I really don't have much to say on this one.  Sorry guys.  It's a little mushy for me but I tried.   

_____________________________________________________________________________

30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 6

Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do.

The one thing I hope I never have to do is bury my daughter, husband, mom, sisters, etc.  I am absolutely terrified of the idea and yes, it does cross my mind quite often that it can happen at anytime. 


Four years ago (next month), we buried Brian, my ex-brother-in-law and Suraya's uncle.  He was only 23.  That was extremely tough.  I never want to do that again.  It still hurts. 


Because of his death I realized how, at any moment, someone can be gone.  You never really expect it to happen to you or someone you love but it does happen.  


I truly hope to never have to bury a family member, especially a young one, ever again.  Unfortunately death will happen at some point to all of us but I hope it's after we all live long happy lives.  


I hope to never have to bury a loved one that had their life cut short, ever again.  

RIP Brian     We love you

_____________________________________________________________________


30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 5

30 Days of Truths: Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life

It took me awhile to figure this one out.  Everything I hope to do in life I seem to accomplish.  I finally came up with something.  It's something that many many people struggle with...weight.
 
Something I hope to do in my life is continue living a healthy lifestyle.  I want to continue working out and eating healthy.  I am tired of gaining and losing, gaining and losing.  I've done this way too many times.  I know what it takes to lose weight.  I can lose it, no problem but keeping it off is the issue.

I get to a point when I get really thin that I think I will always stay that way.  So not true in my case.  I am one of those that has to work at it.  There was a day where I never had to worry about eating and exercise for weight reasons but once I got pregnant that was over,  Ever since then I have been struggling.

Right now I am on a mission to lose more than I have ever lost in my life.  Why?  Because I have never weighed this much before.  Ever.  I will lose it and I will keep it off this time.

This is something I hope and KNOW I will do in my life.

_____________________________________________________________________________



30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 4

Day 04: 

Something you have to forgive someone for.

So here's yet another one I don't like.  When are we going to get to the happy ones?  I don't even want to go into detail on this.  I want happy stuff.  

I am hesitant to write this but here it goes... 

I forgive my dad.  He wasn't the greatest dad growing up.  The exact opposite actually.  You know how I wrote about how I was with Suraya when I was in my dark time?  Multiply that times 100 and you have my dad.  

I didn't have a good childhood.  I couldn't wait to grow up and move out.  I blocked a lot of it out.  I remember some things but they are not good memories for the most part.  I don't want to go into detail but it was just not a good 18 years of my life. 

I left when I was 18.

I forgive my dad now.  When Suraya was born he changed.  I can talk to him now.  It's still a little awkward because we didn't have a good relationship when I was little but he tries.

I know some people will not understand and may never understand why or how I can forgive.  I chose to move past it and make amends.  I don't want to be angry for the rest of my life and let it consume me.  

I forgive him.    

_______________________________________________________

30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 3

Day 03:

Something you have to forgive yourself for

I don't like this one at all.  I don't like it not one bit.  *sigh*

The one thing that sticks out in my that I have to forgive myself for is how I treated Suraya when I was going through my dark time.

My dark time has to do with what I wrote about yesterday.  I think I even wrote about it before.

Here it goes...

During that time it was hard for me to function.  I was mourning the loss of my marriage.  I wasn't ready for it.  In the beginning stages I was like a zombie, one of those slow moving zombies, not a fast one.  I was pretty much in a comatose state.  I was in a severe depression.
I stopped eating.
I stopped living.
I stopped caring.

The once loving mother of one was gone.
She died in the process of the separation.  

What I turned into was a bitter and heartbroken woman.

I turned to partying.
I turned to drinking.
I turned to starvation.
I turned to everything but what I should have turned to...my daughter.

In losing myself I lost my patience for her.  Suddenly everything that was adorable, funny, and cute was no longer.  Instead it was an annoyance.  She was an annoyance.

I lost my temper a lot.
I yelled a lot.
I cussed a lot.
I hit her.
I was not a good mom.
I had lost control.

What had I turned into?  How can anyone be so mean to such a cute little child?  Why did I let myself get to that point?  I ask myself this all the time.  Why?

I am no longer this way.  I am better now.  I fixed myself.  It took a long long time to do so but I am better.

This is one thing I need to forgive myself for but I can't.  I can't forgive myself.

____________________________________________________________________________


30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 2

 Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

This one is a little easier.  Just ask my family, I love myself and sometimes can be conceited.  Well, according to them I am.  What they don't realize is that I do it on purpose in front of them.  Hehe.  


What do I love about myself?  I love the fact that I am independent.

After my separation and then divorce from V I learned who I was.  Before then I was just still a kid in her early 20s without a place in life.  Sure I played the role of mom, wife, student, and employee but who was I really?

Honestly, I should have left him a year after we married but I didn't.  I was pregnant and only 20 or 21 at the time.  I was scared.  I was in the military so I knew I would have an income and a place to live but still, at 20 it's a scary thing to be pregnant and have to do it alone so I stayed.  It turns out I was a single mom anyway with him being deployed (he was in the Marines as well).  I thought things would get better with time though.  They didn't.

I left him when I was 23.  We lived in North Carolina at the time but I'm from California.  I still left.  I came home.  I ended up getting an apartment, a job, a new car, and enrolled in community college.  Now I was all the roles above with the exception of "wife".

During this time the transition was hard on myself and my daughter.  We cried a lot.  We comforted each other (you would be amazed at what a two year old can pick up on when it comes to emotions) but we made it through.

Six months later, V was back in our lives.  We decided to give our marriage a try.  He moved to California and in with me.  It didn't work.  We were more like room mates.  A few months later I asked him to leave.  He did and once again I was a single mother.

This time it was easier.  I already knew I could do it.  I didn't need him and the stress that he brought to my life.  Suraya needed him but she didn't need him to live with us.  It was too volatile of an environment.  Suraya and I made it through and now we are doing amazingly well.

I met and remarried the perfect guy.  He is Suraya's dad and he is the type of husband I always envisioned (well, except for the rich part.  He's not rich).      

Through that experience 7 long years ago I became a stronger and more independent person.  I was a scared kid when it all started but I grew up.  I made my mistakes in parenting, life, dating, etc. but I learned and moved on.  It took a few years but I figured out who I was.

I know who I am.
I know now that I can do it.
I can make it on my own.
I can make decisions on my own.
I can do anything I put my mind to.
I am independent and I love that about me.      

 ___________________________________________________________________________

30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths - Day 1

Here we go....

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Oh man, it had to just start with that huh?  Well, what do I hate about myself?

I hate the fact that I'm an unorganized person at home or maybe it's pure laziness.  Either way it annoys me.  You would think I could change my ways but I can't.  It just doesn't last.  I would so much rather be doing fun things than cleaning.  Don't get me wrong, I will clean...when we are going to have company...hehe.  Andrew and I joke that we should have company over at least weekly just to keep the house looking good.

My house isn't horrible (unless you look at my bathroom) but it's not the cleanest.  I sometimes wish I could be like those people that have to have a spotless home.  I love walking into a clean and sparkly house an mine is rarely in that condition.  Since living with Andrew I have gotten much much better with my mess but I still can't shake it all the way.  I also sometimes feel like I have tendencies toward hoarding but after watching that show hoarders I learned that I need to let go of useless items.

How does anyone know where everything is supposed to go?  I am so lost in that area.

Weight Loss Progress

Two months ago I embarked on a new journey.  After seeing pictures of my self on vacation, while still on vacation, I new I had to make a change.  I was pretty horrified at what I saw.  How was I THAT big?  There's no way!  I was even wearing black in the picture.  Shouldn't that be slimming?  Hehe, J/K.  But really, it was time.    

Our vacation was in July and here's what I looked like then:

And here is now (September):

I still have a long way to go.  It's only been two months but I have a lifetime ahead of me to keep up my new lifestyle.  I know I can do it.  It's hard some days and some days I can't wait to get to the gym.  It's an emotional rollercoaster still with the fighting inside my head about whether to go to the gym that day or not.  Going usually wins.

Yesterday I read an inspiring quote.  I am changing it because I don't remember the exact wording but it goes something like this:

You will regret not working out but in the end you will never regret working out.

This was actually a quote for running but I changed it to make it universal.  I definitely butchered it but you get the meaning I hope.

Babies babies all around!

                                                                                             Suri as a baby

Many of my friends are either pregnant and due any day now or have newborns.  You would think all these babies would make me want one too.  Yes, at first when everyone was announcing their pregnancies baby fever hit me.  It's a pretty frustrating thing actually.  Thankfully it passed though.  It was just a momentary zing of jealousy.   

Fast forward a few months and now babies are being born.  Baby fever is completely gone and has been gone for quite some time.  No, not because I have babies to play with now but because I see how much work they are.  I see how tiring it is.  I see how much time a baby takes to care for.  I see it all and I am not ready for that.

My child is 9.  She's practically a grown up compared to the babies around me.  She is pretty self-sufficient and she doesn't have to be by my side 24/7.  She can have sleep overs, she can play outside, she can read in her room, she can feed herself, she can make her cereal, she can microwave food, she can dress and bathe herself, she can go snowboarding with us, etc.  She can do and go practically anywhere we want to go without much hassle.  I don't have to be by her side 24/7 and we don't have to change our lifestyle.

I like it this way.  I'm not ready to change.  I don't want the extra cost of having a baby in the house.  I don't want my freedom taken from me.  I don't want to gain weight again.  I don't want to be tired all the time.  I don't want my wallet to be even more empty.  I don't want a strain on my marriage.  I just don't.

I know it may sound selfish but I know exactly what having a baby is like.  I did it before, mostly alone, and it was enjoyable.  I did love it but it's just not something I am ready to do again just yet.  Andrew wants a child and it will happen eventually (assuming it can).  For right now we both are on the same track with waiting though.     

Ahh, so this is why I applied for this job!

I just found out my work schedule for the new job.  I will be working 7:30 to 5pm with every other Friday off.  The Friday I work I will only work 8 hours so I get to go in later.  NICE!

There are furlough days but it turns out I can take those hours anytime I want.  I don't have ot take a full day off.  I can take a half day or take a few days off, etc.  Kind of nice that I can choose how to take my time off with no pay.  In this case I can have every Friday off!  NICE!

So what will I do with all my new found free time? 
1. SLEEP
2. Workout
3. Shop
4. Scrapbook
5. Watch TV
6. Take the dogs to the dog park

Oh the possibilities!  What was I worried about yesterday?  Psssh, all that is gone!