Wednesday, November 2, 2011


After my miscarriage in September I realized that I no longer like Facebook.  There's so much more to life than posting meaningless things for the world to see.
I don't care that you are tired.
I don't care that you just woke up and are getting ready for work.
I don't care that you are hungover.
I don't care that you checked in at Applebee's.
I really just don't care about all that mundane crap.

Before the miscarriage I was one of those people that posted meaningless posts just because.  Why did I do it?  I don;t know.  I was sucked in to it.  Now I have realized that all that is is just meaningless time waster and really most people don't care what you are doing every second of the day.  I have realized this and it is so much better not having to worry about Facebook 24/7!

I have posted one status update since September 24th, 2011...the day I miscarried.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Struggle *cont'd*

I stayed away from all things baby and small child related most of this summer.  If we got an invite to a birthday party for one of the many babies we know turning one, I ignored it.  Really, you can't ignore it though.  It was always on my mind.  I was bitter.  Very very bitter and then it got worse. 

Oh my bitterness got much worse in late August or early September when someones else announced their pregnancy.  I was mad.  Sure I should have been happy but I couldn't be.  Oh there's plenty of reasons I was mad.  Why is that person pregnant after only a few months?  Why are they pregnant when the spouse doesn't even want a kid.  Why not us, who have been trying for two long years and who are ready for a baby?  Why them and not us?  Yes, bitterness was eating away at me.  So much so that I never said congratulations.  I am not a nice bitter person at all.  Things changed on September 17th though.

After having tracked my insane menstrual cycles for two years I finally started regulating around June of this year.  That cycle was about 28 days.  The next cycle was around 30.  I knew then that we may finally have a chance but I was still hesitant to get excited. 

August came and went then September came and I realized that I hadn't had a period.  I took a test the first week of September but it came out negative.  There went my hopes but again it was still early to tell.  I decided I would wait until Ocotber to test again but I cheated.  Two weeks after the first test, I tested again after having experienced slight cramping and sore breasts.  I saw what I was not expecting...I got a positive test!  I was so shocked.  After two long years of never ending disappointments I finally got what we have been waiting for.  Andrew was so excited as was I.  Suri was eager to start choosing names.  I took three tests total, on three different days because I couldn't believe it. 

It was the most amazing time.

Unfortunately our happiness was short lived.

To be continued..... 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Struggle

Awhile back Andrew and I decided we were ready to add to our little family.  We had a daughter, a house, two adorable dogs, decent jobs, and a great marriage.  It was time to move on to the next chapter of our lives.  Little did I know that next chapter would take years and end in heartbreak.

In August of 2009 we decided it was time to start trying to have a baby.  I went into it excited and thinking things would happen quickly.  It happened that way with Suri.  I got off birth control and then *BAM*, I was pregnant.  I figured it would be the same this time around.  I was wrong. 

While I watched 99.9% of our friends have babies we were struggling to have one of our own.  It was a painful process to be apart of.  The announcement, the pictures posted, the pregnancy updates, the ultrasound pictures, the baby showers, the births.  Of course I was happy for our friends but I couldn't help feeling jealous and wondering why them and not me?  At first it wasn't so bad.  I had hope.  Then the months passed by, more pregnancies were announced, and then eventually babies were being born all while I watched from the sidelines with questions thrown at me about when were we going to have a baby.  Hope was fading.

With hope diminishing I learned to put up a wall.  When asked if we were going to have more kids I would usually say maybe or eventually but didn't disclose that we had been trying to no avail.  Sometimes I would open up to friends or family but it never comforted me to do so.  It really only lead to more questions because no one else was or had gone through this.  I got to the point where I would act like I really didn't want a baby.  It was easier that way.  If I pretended to myself and to others then it wouldn't hurt so much everytime I had a let down. 

The two year mark, us without a baby and all of them with babies, began looming.  I decided I didn't want to be around people with babies or toddlers, yes, even friends.  It was too painful to see what I couldn't have.  I alienated myself.  It was so much easier that way.  Two years of seeing pregnant friends, babies, and attending kids birthday parties took a toll on me.  Yes, it was easier to just stay away, so I did.

To be continued......       

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

R.I.P. Kindle

Dear Husband,

   Next time you decide to be clumsy please don't use my Kindle to break your fall.
 Sincerely, your extremely saddened wife.

R.I.P. Kindle
Beloved e-reader
May 7, 2011 - June 1, 2011
You had a short life but you were much loved.  Thank you for the hours of joy you gave me.  You will be missed.


Saturday, May 28, 2011

My First Giveaway!

I am holding a little contest on my 19Eighty Expressions Facebook page.  Here are the details!

1.  Become a fan of 19Eighty Expressions on Facebook

2.  Guess the theme of my latest project and leave a comment on 19Eighty Expressions' Facebook page with your guess.

3.  Share the giveaway with friends and family via Facebook or any other social media outlet.

That's all!  Super easy.

The first person to guess the theme correctly will receive a set (that's a clue) of my newest creation.
The winner will be announced on Monday, May 30th.

Good luck and have a great day!!

19Eighty Expressions Facebook Fan Page

Sunday, May 15, 2011

My newest toy!

OK, so some of you already know about it.  I'm a lot late on writing about my newest toy.  It's been at least a week since I got it.  It's something I never thought I would want.  I didn't see much of a point in having one.  I was doing just fine without it then one day I just had to have one.  It came out of nowhere, kind of.  I've been reading on my phone for awhile but it strains my eyes so I thought maybe an e-reader will be the answer and it was!  And this is what it is what I got......

That my friends is a Kindle.  I got a Kindle 3!  I was stoked and couldn't wait to use it.  I actually had a bit of a time choosing between the Kindle and Nook.  I chose the Kindle because it had better reviews than the regular Nook.  The Nook Color would have hurt my eyes so I nixed that one although it was tempting.  As for all the other e-readers on the market, I looked at the specs and reviews on those as well but Kindle won out overall.  Other e-readers have capabilities the Kindle doesn't have.  I have either found ways around it or found that they weren't that important to me. 

I have quite a few books on me Kindle now and plenty more waiting to be uploaded.  I have been a reading machine since I got it.  The novelty of it has not worn off.  I love to read so I doubt it ever will. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


Determination. It's a good quality to have. It's sets the unmotivated people apart from the motivated people. It allows one to look at a situation, no matter how complicated, and know they will overcome. It's about not backing down when a challenge arises. Determination gets you where you want to go even if it means taking small steps. I possess this quality. Maybe a little too much of it.

The Mliltary
It started in junior high with a dream of joining the military. I was determined to start a new life, my life. I didn't just want to join any branch of service though. I didn't want to be an airman (although that was my initial plan). I didn't want to be a sailor. I didn't want to be a soldier. I wanted to be a Marine.

I started speaking to the recruiters when I was 17. People questioned my decision. I was too skinny (don't I wish that was the case now). The Marines were too tough. I was joining because I wanted to be surrounded by boys and so on. I made my choice and when I was 18 and had graduated high school I started my journey as a Marine.

Now there really aren't that many women in the Marine's so why did I choose that branch of the service? My answer, because I was determined to do what few (male or female) would ever think to do. I was determined to show myself, despite what some others had said, that I could do it and I did it.

Single Mom
Single motherhood, that was the next big challenge I was determined to face head on. I never really thought I'd have kids so being a single mother definitely never crossed my mind. Having a child was not something I yearned for. I never pictured myself having a big princess wedding, getting married, or having kids. Those were not my dreams but dreams, plans, changes. I became a mom and subsequently a single mom all in a short period of time.

Single motherhood was tough. Especially tough when going through the initial shock of being separated or going through a divorce. Even tougher when you're very young and not yet established in life. And even more tough when you start over again with nothing. No job, no possessions, nothing.

I left my ex-husband on a whim. I didn't give myself time to think about it. If I had then I wouldn't have left. I needed to leave.  I left. This meant I was leaving my life behind, my apartment, my job, my furniture, my husband. What I didn't leave behind was my child. Instead I became a single mother. A single mother who was determined to establish a healthy and happy life for her child. I didn't want help. I didn't want pity. I wanted to just get through it. I received no aid. I received no child support. I asked no one for sympathy. In fact I was embarassed. I was 23, about to be divorced, and a single mom with no education aside from high school. All this against me yet I was determined to show myself I could overcome. I did.  I am now happily married, educated, and have a good job.

I got my associates degree as a single mother. I worked 40 hours a week to support myself and my child. I had my own apartment. I had my own car. I had my child. I had everything I needed all because I was determined.

College was never in my sights. It wasn't something I ever wanted to do. I was going to retire from the military at the age of 38 so why did I need to go to college? Well, life took me on a different route and I enrolled shortly after I got out of the Marines.

I knew that to get anywhere in the workforce an education was key. I didn't drop out of school when I left my ex-husband.  Oh no.  That would have been easy.  Sit around and wallow in my misery.  No, not me.  Instead I transferred to the local community college and trucked on. It was defnitely hard to work full time (night shift for a few months even), go to school full time, socialize, and have a toddler. I was even going to the gym a few days a week. I am sure I complained a little. I'm sure I was exhausted but I knew I had to do it. I set out to get a degree and I was determined to get one. After 2 1/2 years I had an associates degree.

Determination kicked in and a few years later I had a bachelor's degree. Next a master's but don't mention that in front of Andrew. He thinks I may never stop going to school. He may be right.


And the challenge that influenced me to write this, work.

After the military I had a series of low paying jobs, most of which I knew would lead me nowhere. I soon learned that not only did I need an education but I needed a lot experience as well. I eventually decided that I needed to stick to one field in order to move up in the world. Somehow I landed in accounting. Honestly, I hate math. How did I end up working with numbers? I learned that it's really not that hard as long as I have my trusty calculator and Excel spreadsheets.

My last job is what I credit for getting me to where I am now. That and determination. I knew within the first week at that job that I couldn't stay. I had hopes and dreams of growing out of that postion and moving forward and up. After a year I realized that wasn't to be. I was miserable. I hated the job. I had a deep dislike for some of the people who worked there. I didn't agree with some of the practices. I was going nowhere fast. Rather than look within the company to promote they hired from outside. I was in a dead end job. After that realization hit I knew what I had to do. I was determined to get my experience and get out. I did that and more.

For a long time I wanted to work in the department I now work in. I had been telling people for a long time that I will get in somehow. It's hard but I'll get my foot in the door. I didn't know what I would do within the department to start but I didn't care. I wanted in. Last year I got in. My determination overcame the obstacles (and there were some). Now that I'm in I've already set my eye on the next step. The step that I had planned to get to all this time. I am determined to get where I want to be. I know I will get there. Determination drives me. In the end I will make it happen.

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