Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Struggle *cont'd*

I stayed away from all things baby and small child related most of this summer.  If we got an invite to a birthday party for one of the many babies we know turning one, I ignored it.  Really, you can't ignore it though.  It was always on my mind.  I was bitter.  Very very bitter and then it got worse. 

Oh my bitterness got much worse in late August or early September when someones else announced their pregnancy.  I was mad.  Sure I should have been happy but I couldn't be.  Oh there's plenty of reasons I was mad.  Why is that person pregnant after only a few months?  Why are they pregnant when the spouse doesn't even want a kid.  Why not us, who have been trying for two long years and who are ready for a baby?  Why them and not us?  Yes, bitterness was eating away at me.  So much so that I never said congratulations.  I am not a nice bitter person at all.  Things changed on September 17th though.

After having tracked my insane menstrual cycles for two years I finally started regulating around June of this year.  That cycle was about 28 days.  The next cycle was around 30.  I knew then that we may finally have a chance but I was still hesitant to get excited. 

August came and went then September came and I realized that I hadn't had a period.  I took a test the first week of September but it came out negative.  There went my hopes but again it was still early to tell.  I decided I would wait until Ocotber to test again but I cheated.  Two weeks after the first test, I tested again after having experienced slight cramping and sore breasts.  I saw what I was not expecting...I got a positive test!  I was so shocked.  After two long years of never ending disappointments I finally got what we have been waiting for.  Andrew was so excited as was I.  Suri was eager to start choosing names.  I took three tests total, on three different days because I couldn't believe it. 

It was the most amazing time.

Unfortunately our happiness was short lived.

To be continued..... 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Struggle

Awhile back Andrew and I decided we were ready to add to our little family.  We had a daughter, a house, two adorable dogs, decent jobs, and a great marriage.  It was time to move on to the next chapter of our lives.  Little did I know that next chapter would take years and end in heartbreak.

In August of 2009 we decided it was time to start trying to have a baby.  I went into it excited and thinking things would happen quickly.  It happened that way with Suri.  I got off birth control and then *BAM*, I was pregnant.  I figured it would be the same this time around.  I was wrong. 

While I watched 99.9% of our friends have babies we were struggling to have one of our own.  It was a painful process to be apart of.  The announcement, the pictures posted, the pregnancy updates, the ultrasound pictures, the baby showers, the births.  Of course I was happy for our friends but I couldn't help feeling jealous and wondering why them and not me?  At first it wasn't so bad.  I had hope.  Then the months passed by, more pregnancies were announced, and then eventually babies were being born all while I watched from the sidelines with questions thrown at me about when were we going to have a baby.  Hope was fading.

With hope diminishing I learned to put up a wall.  When asked if we were going to have more kids I would usually say maybe or eventually but didn't disclose that we had been trying to no avail.  Sometimes I would open up to friends or family but it never comforted me to do so.  It really only lead to more questions because no one else was or had gone through this.  I got to the point where I would act like I really didn't want a baby.  It was easier that way.  If I pretended to myself and to others then it wouldn't hurt so much everytime I had a let down. 

The two year mark, us without a baby and all of them with babies, began looming.  I decided I didn't want to be around people with babies or toddlers, yes, even friends.  It was too painful to see what I couldn't have.  I alienated myself.  It was so much easier that way.  Two years of seeing pregnant friends, babies, and attending kids birthday parties took a toll on me.  Yes, it was easier to just stay away, so I did.

To be continued......