Thursday, September 30, 2010

30 Days of Truths: Day 3

Day 03:

Something you have to forgive yourself for

I don't like this one at all.  I don't like it not one bit.  *sigh*

The one thing that sticks out in my that I have to forgive myself for is how I treated Suraya when I was going through my dark time.

My dark time has to do with what I wrote about yesterday.  I think I even wrote about it before.

Here it goes...

During that time it was hard for me to function.  I was mourning the loss of my marriage.  I wasn't ready for it.  In the beginning stages I was like a zombie, one of those slow moving zombies, not a fast one.  I was pretty much in a comatose state.  I was in a severe depression.
I stopped eating.
I stopped living.
I stopped caring.

The once loving mother of one was gone.
She died in the process of the separation.  

What I turned into was a bitter and heartbroken woman.

I turned to partying.
I turned to drinking.
I turned to starvation.
I turned to everything but what I should have turned daughter.

In losing myself I lost my patience for her.  Suddenly everything that was adorable, funny, and cute was no longer.  Instead it was an annoyance.  She was an annoyance.

I lost my temper a lot.
I yelled a lot.
I cussed a lot.
I hit her.
I was not a good mom.
I had lost control.

What had I turned into?  How can anyone be so mean to such a cute little child?  Why did I let myself get to that point?  I ask myself this all the time.  Why?

I am no longer this way.  I am better now.  I fixed myself.  It took a long long time to do so but I am better.

This is one thing I need to forgive myself for but I can't.  I can't forgive myself.


30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself



I got to your blog through the nest. Something you posted about how you discovered your ex-husband was cheating while you were pregnant just broke my heart. Then, I clicked on your blog and this entry was the first thing I read. I just had to respond. Although I don't know you or her, I can guarantee that your daughter LOVES you and you are the best mother in the world, according to her. Everyone makes mistakes and does things they're ashamed of when they are upset and depressed....please don't let the guilt plague you. You were dealth a sh*tty hand. Just love her and do the best for her always and she will never think anything but that you are her hero. Seriously.


Thank you.

Mrs. Ortiz

I too was at a dark place in my life when my son was Suraya's age. I can relate to this. Thank you for sharing

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