30 Days of Truths: Day 3

Day 03:

Something you have to forgive yourself for

I don't like this one at all.  I don't like it not one bit.  *sigh*

The one thing that sticks out in my that I have to forgive myself for is how I treated Suraya when I was going through my dark time.

My dark time has to do with what I wrote about yesterday.  I think I even wrote about it before.

Here it goes...

During that time it was hard for me to function.  I was mourning the loss of my marriage.  I wasn't ready for it.  In the beginning stages I was like a zombie, one of those slow moving zombies, not a fast one.  I was pretty much in a comatose state.  I was in a severe depression.
I stopped eating.
I stopped living.
I stopped caring.

The once loving mother of one was gone.
She died in the process of the separation.  

What I turned into was a bitter and heartbroken woman.

I turned to partying.
I turned to drinking.
I turned to starvation.
I turned to everything but what I should have turned to...my daughter.

In losing myself I lost my patience for her.  Suddenly everything that was adorable, funny, and cute was no longer.  Instead it was an annoyance.  She was an annoyance.

I lost my temper a lot.
I yelled a lot.
I cussed a lot.
I hit her.
I was not a good mom.
I had lost control.

What had I turned into?  How can anyone be so mean to such a cute little child?  Why did I let myself get to that point?  I ask myself this all the time.  Why?

I am no longer this way.  I am better now.  I fixed myself.  It took a long long time to do so but I am better.

This is one thing I need to forgive myself for but I can't.  I can't forgive myself.

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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself