30 Days of Truths: Day 3

Day 03:

Something you have to forgive yourself for

I don't like this one at all.  I don't like it not one bit.  *sigh*

The one thing that sticks out in my that I have to forgive myself for is how I treated Suraya when I was going through my dark time.

My dark time has to do with what I wrote about yesterday.  I think I even wrote about it before.

Here it goes...

During that time it was hard for me to function.  I was mourning the loss of my marriage.  I wasn't ready for it.  In the beginning stages I was like a zombie, one of those slow moving zombies, not a fast one.  I was pretty much in a comatose state.  I was in a severe depression.
I stopped eating.
I stopped living.
I stopped caring.

The once loving mother of one was gone.
She died in the process of the separation.  

What I turned into was a bitter and heartbroken woman.

I turned to partying.
I turned to drinking.
I turned to starvation.
I turned to everything but what I should have turned to...my daughter.

In losing myself I lost my patience for her.  Suddenly everything that was adorable, funny, and cute was no longer.  Instead it was an annoyance.  She was an annoyance.

I lost my temper a lot.
I yelled a lot.
I cussed a lot.
I hit her.
I was not a good mom.
I had lost control.

What had I turned into?  How can anyone be so mean to such a cute little child?  Why did I let myself get to that point?  I ask myself this all the time.  Why?

I am no longer this way.  I am better now.  I fixed myself.  It took a long long time to do so but I am better.

This is one thing I need to forgive myself for but I can't.  I can't forgive myself.

____________________________________________________________________________


30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So you read this huh? Come on out!

I was only blogging here and there.  Every few months I would remember I had this thing then I would think of something to say.  I was only writing just to write thinking no one was reading this.  It was therapeutic.  I didn't care much if I updated this or not.  No one's reading it anyway right?

Ha.  I was wrong!

The other day I noticed the "Stat" option on my dashboard and when I looked at it I realized people actually DO read my blog.  Ha!  All this time I never thought people did.  It was actually quite a shock to see so many page views.

My question is...if there's so many page views, which would indicate people are reading this, then where are you?  I only have 9 followers.  I have no clue who my audience is aside from those 9!  And yes, there are way more than 9 page views.  

I like reading about people's lives and what's going on (guess that would make me nosey huh?) but I can't follow your blog if I don't know who you are....

Come out come out wherever you are!

30 Days of Truths: Day 2

 Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

This one is a little easier.  Just ask my family, I love myself and sometimes can be conceited.  Well, according to them I am.  What they don't realize is that I do it on purpose in front of them.  Hehe.  


What do I love about myself?  I love the fact that I am independent.

After my separation and then divorce from V I learned who I was.  Before then I was just still a kid in her early 20s without a place in life.  Sure I played the role of mom, wife, student, and employee but who was I really?

Honestly, I should have left him a year after we married but I didn't.  I was pregnant and only 20 or 21 at the time.  I was scared.  I was in the military so I knew I would have an income and a place to live but still, at 20 it's a scary thing to be pregnant and have to do it alone so I stayed.  It turns out I was a single mom anyway with him being deployed (he was in the Marines as well).  I thought things would get better with time though.  They didn't.

I left him when I was 23.  We lived in North Carolina at the time but I'm from California.  I still left.  I came home.  I ended up getting an apartment, a job, a new car, and enrolled in community college.  Now I was all the roles above with the exception of "wife".

During this time the transition was hard on myself and my daughter.  We cried a lot.  We comforted each other (you would be amazed at what a two year old can pick up on when it comes to emotions) but we made it through.

Six months later, V was back in our lives.  We decided to give our marriage a try.  He moved to California and in with me.  It didn't work.  We were more like room mates.  A few months later I asked him to leave.  He did and once again I was a single mother.

This time it was easier.  I already knew I could do it.  I didn't need him and the stress that he brought to my life.  Suraya needed him but she didn't need him to live with us.  It was too volatile of an environment.  Suraya and I made it through and now we are doing amazingly well.

I met and remarried the perfect guy.  He is Suraya's dad and he is the type of husband I always envisioned (well, except for the rich part.  He's not rich).      

Through that experience 7 long years ago I became a stronger and more independent person.  I was a scared kid when it all started but I grew up.  I made my mistakes in parenting, life, dating, etc. but I learned and moved on.  It took a few years but I figured out who I was.

I know who I am.
I know now that I can do it.
I can make it on my own.
I can make decisions on my own.
I can do anything I put my mind to.
I am independent and I love that about me.      

 ___________________________________________________________________________

30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths - Day 1

Here we go....

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Oh man, it had to just start with that huh?  Well, what do I hate about myself?

I hate the fact that I'm an unorganized person at home or maybe it's pure laziness.  Either way it annoys me.  You would think I could change my ways but I can't.  It just doesn't last.  I would so much rather be doing fun things than cleaning.  Don't get me wrong, I will clean...when we are going to have company...hehe.  Andrew and I joke that we should have company over at least weekly just to keep the house looking good.

My house isn't horrible (unless you look at my bathroom) but it's not the cleanest.  I sometimes wish I could be like those people that have to have a spotless home.  I love walking into a clean and sparkly house an mine is rarely in that condition.  Since living with Andrew I have gotten much much better with my mess but I still can't shake it all the way.  I also sometimes feel like I have tendencies toward hoarding but after watching that show hoarders I learned that I need to let go of useless items.

How does anyone know where everything is supposed to go?  I am so lost in that area.

30 Days of Truth

I saw this on a few blogs I follow and thought it would be fun to do.  You answer one question a day off the list below.  Each day is a new truth about yourself.  I haven't gone through the list yet so I have no clue what you will find out about me!  I'm jumping into this blindly.

30 Days of Truth:   

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Cricut: No need for the cartridges

I posted previously about there being no need for the cartridges when using the Cricut.  This was for other image files that weren't Cricut's.

Well, I just found a way to use images from the cartridges you don't own.  Pretty sweet!  If you're interested, email me for the info.

Here's a little dude I made yesterday.  He was my  test dummy.  It literally took hours for me to perfect the process.  It should be easy now that I know what to do.  Granted, it takes time but so worth it!

Sorry for the blurriness.  When I resized the image it blurred.

Weight Loss Progress

Two months ago I embarked on a new journey.  After seeing pictures of my self on vacation, while still on vacation, I new I had to make a change.  I was pretty horrified at what I saw.  How was I THAT big?  There's no way!  I was even wearing black in the picture.  Shouldn't that be slimming?  Hehe, J/K.  But really, it was time.    

Our vacation was in July and here's what I looked like then:

And here is now (September):

I still have a long way to go.  It's only been two months but I have a lifetime ahead of me to keep up my new lifestyle.  I know I can do it.  It's hard some days and some days I can't wait to get to the gym.  It's an emotional rollercoaster still with the fighting inside my head about whether to go to the gym that day or not.  Going usually wins.

Yesterday I read an inspiring quote.  I am changing it because I don't remember the exact wording but it goes something like this:

You will regret not working out but in the end you will never regret working out.

This was actually a quote for running but I changed it to make it universal.  I definitely butchered it but you get the meaning I hope.

Babies babies all around!

                                                                                             Suri as a baby

Many of my friends are either pregnant and due any day now or have newborns.  You would think all these babies would make me want one too.  Yes, at first when everyone was announcing their pregnancies baby fever hit me.  It's a pretty frustrating thing actually.  Thankfully it passed though.  It was just a momentary zing of jealousy.   

Fast forward a few months and now babies are being born.  Baby fever is completely gone and has been gone for quite some time.  No, not because I have babies to play with now but because I see how much work they are.  I see how tiring it is.  I see how much time a baby takes to care for.  I see it all and I am not ready for that.

My child is 9.  She's practically a grown up compared to the babies around me.  She is pretty self-sufficient and she doesn't have to be by my side 24/7.  She can have sleep overs, she can play outside, she can read in her room, she can feed herself, she can make her cereal, she can microwave food, she can dress and bathe herself, she can go snowboarding with us, etc.  She can do and go practically anywhere we want to go without much hassle.  I don't have to be by her side 24/7 and we don't have to change our lifestyle.

I like it this way.  I'm not ready to change.  I don't want the extra cost of having a baby in the house.  I don't want my freedom taken from me.  I don't want to gain weight again.  I don't want to be tired all the time.  I don't want my wallet to be even more empty.  I don't want a strain on my marriage.  I just don't.

I know it may sound selfish but I know exactly what having a baby is like.  I did it before, mostly alone, and it was enjoyable.  I did love it but it's just not something I am ready to do again just yet.  Andrew wants a child and it will happen eventually (assuming it can).  For right now we both are on the same track with waiting though.     

Ahh, so this is why I applied for this job!

I just found out my work schedule for the new job.  I will be working 7:30 to 5pm with every other Friday off.  The Friday I work I will only work 8 hours so I get to go in later.  NICE!

There are furlough days but it turns out I can take those hours anytime I want.  I don't have ot take a full day off.  I can take a half day or take a few days off, etc.  Kind of nice that I can choose how to take my time off with no pay.  In this case I can have every Friday off!  NICE!

So what will I do with all my new found free time? 
1. SLEEP
2. Workout
3. Shop
4. Scrapbook
5. Watch TV
6. Take the dogs to the dog park

Oh the possibilities!  What was I worried about yesterday?  Psssh, all that is gone!

Letter of Resignation

I just turned in my letter of resignation

I thought I would be overjoyed about this new step in my life but I'm not exactly.
It was a bittersweet moment.
Something I had been wanting for a long time.
It's something I've been waiting for for a long time.
Rather than feel excited with anticipation I am scared.

I'm scared of the unknown.
What will they expect?
Will I meet up to their expectations?
Can I handle the job?
Will I get along with my coworkers?
Can we afford to make this change?

So many things are running through my mind about this new job.
For a moment I contemplated turning it down because of the pay decrease and the unknown.
I didn't.
I accepted.

There will have to be changes.
No longer will we be able to save money by carpooling.
We will be taking a few hundred dollars a month pay cut.
There's furlough days.
My hours will change.
I will have a longer commute with actual traffic.
It's a scary change for me.

There are plenty of good things though.
The benefits rock.
I will have more days off.
I get two weeks vacation rather than the one week I get now.
I can actually retire from there.
I can move up whereas I am stuck in this position here.
I will get raises so I will eventually make more than I can here.
I get holidays off.
I get paid sick days.
I'm sure there's more.

I start October 7th.

My first attempt at making a card

It is 1:20am and I just finished a birthday card for a good friend of mine.  When am I going to see her and present my magnificent creation?  Oh, only in a few hours!

This card was a last minute thing.  I have never made one before so I naturally didn't even think about it until today when I was thinking about what scrapbooking I would do this weekend.  I couldn't wait to get home to start!  Well, we ended up at a friend's house for awhile and didn't get home until around 10pm....and that is when I started...from scratch...with no ideas!

Well many hours later and with burning eyes of tiredom (like my made up word?) I bring you my labor of love.  My very first card!

B'day Card (front)

B'day Card (inside)

                                                                                              

 

OK now it's off to sleepy land where I will dream of pretty paper and die cuts for 5 1/2 hours.  Told ya I would be seeing her soon!  Eek!  Nighty night!

My New Toy!

I'm new to scrapbooking and making cards, etc but fell in love with it.  I really didn't want to because I get obsessive compulsive about things and have to have everything ever made to go along with it.  I went into scrapbooking knowing this and expecting to just start off little. 

Yea, that happened for the first day or two then I went crazy.  I knew I would.  I started buying clearance die cuts, using coupons, etc until I amassed a nice little stock of supplies.  Of course it still wasn't enough...   

I bought the Cricut Expression.

I love it. I was tired of buying expensive die cutters, even on clearance they can be pricey (when you want a whole collection!). Anyway, I was iffy about the Expression because of the price and the price of carts but through some research I was able to find out about programs you can use that allow you to totally bypass using carts. Well, you do need one inserted in the machine for it to work though.


The programs are called Sure Cuts a Lot (1 & 2, SCAL) and Make the Cut (MTC). I purchased Make the Cut because there were more options according to users. It cost $58 to download off their site and $10.99 to have the CD sent as well.  I am very pleased with it. The possibilities are endless. You can download files online and cut away without having to spend money on carts and be limited to what the carts offer. There's tons of sites out there with cuts to download (SVG, true type font, vector) and you can use jpgs as well by using the trace option in MTC.  MTC also takes the fonts you already have on your computer and pulls it into the program so you have those available. 

Check out the links below:

Make the Cut
http://www.make-the-cut.com/

and

Sure Cuts a Lot
http://www.craftedge.com/products/products.html


Comparison - MTC vs SCAL
http://cleversomeday.wordpress.com/2009/12/22/cricut-software-comparison/


If you are interested in the programs read reviews on both first.  I found tons of sites that reviewed and compared both programs.  I chose MTC.

In all, had I had to buy carts I don't think I would have bough a Cricut.  Because I don't have to spend money on those pricey carts the machine was well worth the cost.

12 years ago...

12 years ago, last month I set off on a life changing journey.
I went into the Marine Corps.
Crazy to think that it was actually me...
It really was a whole other life.

While in bootcamp I met and bonded with many of the other girls.  I have to say girls because a lot of us were right out of high school.  Bootcamp was a tough 3 months of physical and mental torture but we made it through.  I truly believe having each other and going through it together made the experience bearable.  It was an amazing time and great memories were made.

I bring all this up now because I was in search of one of my bootcamp friends on Facebook.  I found her and she responded.  That one connection lead to many many more.  A few weeks ago we had a Facebook bootcamp reunion.  Each connection lead to another.  It was amazing catching up with these ladies that I went through so much with.  I am absolutely amazed at how we all turned out and what everyone is up to now.  A few are still in the Corps and only 8 years away from retirement.  How awesome!  Others of us have gone on to have kids, have careers outside of the military, and obtain an college education.

It was great catching up.  

I am not one to be all gung ho but Once a Marine Always A Marine and Oorah Devil Dogs!  Hehehe

Some pics from bootcamp.  No we were not allowed to have cameras but I was sneaky!