Emotions

For some reason I decided to listen to a cd that I bought years ago after my separation from V. I don't know why I wanted to listen to it but I was drawn to the cd. There are 2 songs on the cd that hit me hard years ago. One about a guy cheating and the second about him trying to get her back. The 2 songs pretty much played out my life at the time and I would cry my little heart out listening to the first one. The second one was kind of a "Yea, I thought so. Now you see what you lost but it's too late" type of song. That one always made me smile.

So as I'm in the shower I'm listening to this cd and some little emotions start creeping up. I didn't cry, not yet. For some reason it wasn't enough to make me cry. I am not a crier so something has to be serious to get me going. I get out of the shower and BAM, the flood gates open. I am in my robe bawling my eyes out for no real reason. I have zero feelings for V so I wasn't shedding tears for him...no way. It seemed like all the hurt that I felt all those many years ago came creeping back and I was mourning who I was then. I cried and cried hoping Andrew wouldn't walk in. How would I explain that one to him?

Finally the tears dried up but I still feel like there's more left in me. I still need to cry but like always I shut it all inside me only to let tiny bits seep out now and again. I am sure the flood gates will open again. It's therapeutic. I need to mourn the loss of myself and my innocence. All that pain is still within because I never fully let it out. Again, it's not pain for V it's pain I never let myself feel. It's more residual pain than anything. Maybe this is why I never feel fully satisfied....