Reading is my passion

Lately I have been reading a lot. My passion for reading was rekindled with the Twilight series. Now, this series and type of story is not my normal genre. I tend to stick to John Grisham And Mary Higgins Clark and maybe some Dean Koontz but I am so bored of those books. I have read almost all books from these authors. It's time to try new books. Since I finished the Twilight series I have read a few more books that were very interesting. First is The 19th Wife.



The 19th Wife has two stories within. One is nonfictional and about the start of polygamy in the Mormon religion in the 1800s and the fight of one woman to end it. The second story is fictional and set in the current day and is of a young man who was kicked out of a polygamist sect and his involvement with a murder scandal within the sect.

This type of book is not what I normally read but I have been stepping out of my reading comfort zone and reading genres that are new to me. I loved the historical part of the book. It was very interesting to read about the struggles women faced when it came to polygamy. The fictional part of the book was OK.. The stroies jumped back and forth each chapter so when I started reading a new chapter I had to get my mind set for whichever story was being told. In all it really kept my interest.

Then there was Summer Sisters by Judy Blume...yea, I know...she writes adult novels?? Well, yup, she does!



This book was really great and an easy read. I read it in one day. The novel is a coming of age story where two girls begin a friendship at the age of 12 and spend each summer together. The book chronicles their experiences and friendship each summer as they grow older. As the summers go by and the girls get older they become closer and eventually further apart as their relationship strains.

Great great great book! This is the book that I was reading and posted about below.

Currently I am reading The Doctor's Wife and I am not into it at all. I am hoping it picks up some.

Coincidence??

What the heck? So yesterday on our way out of Hawaii (will post about the vacation later) I picked up a book from WalMart to read on the plane ride back to Cali. They had a horrible selection so it took me some time to choose a book that interested me. None of the books I planned to read were there. So anyway I finally choose a book and while on the plane I start reading it. Well, a few pages in I realized I made a bad choice...here is why:

Cassandra & Von are characters in the book that was published in 1998.

Why does this even matter to me? Well, here ya go...

My name is Kasondra. My ex's name (Suraya's dad) is Vaughn and we met in 1998.

So do you see the connection here? Names spelled different but same names. I mean really, how coincidental is that? Who actually has those names? I mean mine is kinda normal but his isn't and they just so happened to be in the book I bought on a whim. So weird! Sheesh...that must be what I get for reflecting on my past!

A Decision Has Been Made

No No No! There's no baby in my belly BUT there will be....one day! HAHAHA. Ok, so on a serious note, yes there will be a baby in the future. Andrew and I have deiscussed it and as of right now we are planning for the end of next year (2010) to begin trying to conceive. Hopefully by that time I will be about done with school and graduating with my bachelors. Hopefully more stable financially with paying off debt and maybe just maybe making more money. We have a good foundation right now but we want it to be better before bringing another child into our lives.

Ever since we came to this decision I have been at peace. I no longer have "baby fever". I think I needed a more concrete answer than 1 or 2 years. It seemd like with Andrew that was always the answer and it never changed. It's been almost a year since our wedding and it was still "1 or 2 years". I finally broke down and verbally attacked him on this. I know...mean, huh? But my baby fever was getting to be really bad, to the point that I was secretly hoping my birth control would fail! I would never purposely get pregnant without him agreeing but I was still hoping to be the 1% statistic that gets pregnant while on birth control.

Anyway, after the talk and our goal I no longer have that hope or wish. I'm perfectly content. Of course our plans may change and we may push it back and it may be a longer time before we decide to try but for now the end of 2010 is it.

Pondering....

I wonder what has been up with me lately. I seem like I am in a dark place all over again with my last 2 posts. It's really not that I am. A few weeks ago an issue arose that got me thinking about the past and realizing how much better things are now for me. My past is something I have kind of kept to myself. Everyone knows the basics about it but I have never really opened up about the feelings I had.

For some reason lately I have been reflecting a lot on who I was back then and by doing that I can feel the "ghost" feelings from them. It's not like they come rushing back or anything but I can remember what it was like. You know how a scent or a song can bring back memories....it's kind of like that.

So, no there's nothing bad going on in my life. It's just time for me to let it all out.

Reminiscing

I had a seriously hard time a few years ago after I left me ex. I wasn't much of a mom to Suraya. I was lost in my own world of anger and loss. I sometimes look back and wish I was there emotionally for Suraya. Poor child kind of had to raise herself. How does a 2 year old raise herself? I have no clue but she managed.

This entry stems from some pictures I came across of Suraya when she was younger. She was maybe 2 or 3. I had bought a camera and left it on the couch. I slept in, as I did many morning probably hungover (this was normal for me at the time...sad), and woke up to find this on my camera:

















































These pictures always put a smile on my face. I wonder how I could have been so caught up in my anger and pain? How could I have missed this stage of her life? Sure I was there physically but in all other aspects I was gone. I was in a dark place. I missed many years of her life and I won't get to relive them. Sadly, I don't remember much of how she was when she was this young. I missed it and now I regret it. I have few pictures to look back on and I'm thankful for those. I should have been happy then...look at her? How could I not have been? She was such a hilarious little child!

I'm too smart for your scam

I got a letter int he mail yesterday postmarked from Canada and with no return address. *fishy* In the envelope was a money order for $3700 which is supposedly a portion of my winnings from some sweepstake that I won for $37,000. The money is to pay for taxes on the winnings. The letter instructed me to deposit the money order and wire X amount of dollars to some place to pay the taxes. After that I would get the remaining $30,000.

SCAM! I tore that sh!t up right away. A former co-worker of mine fell for it and lost a few thousand $'s in the process. The money order is a fake and will not go through but you don't find that out for a few days in which time the stupid scammers hope you wire them some $ before the bank rejects the check.

I looked up the scam and it turns out it is targeting new homebuyers. The letter and check was addresses to me with my middle initial noted as well. The only time I used my middle initial to was when buying the house.

Stupid scam. Glad I knew what it was up front.

Emotions

For some reason I decided to listen to a cd that I bought years ago after my separation from V. I don't know why I wanted to listen to it but I was drawn to the cd. There are 2 songs on the cd that hit me hard years ago. One about a guy cheating and the second about him trying to get her back. The 2 songs pretty much played out my life at the time and I would cry my little heart out listening to the first one. The second one was kind of a "Yea, I thought so. Now you see what you lost but it's too late" type of song. That one always made me smile.

So as I'm in the shower I'm listening to this cd and some little emotions start creeping up. I didn't cry, not yet. For some reason it wasn't enough to make me cry. I am not a crier so something has to be serious to get me going. I get out of the shower and BAM, the flood gates open. I am in my robe bawling my eyes out for no real reason. I have zero feelings for V so I wasn't shedding tears for him...no way. It seemed like all the hurt that I felt all those many years ago came creeping back and I was mourning who I was then. I cried and cried hoping Andrew wouldn't walk in. How would I explain that one to him?

Finally the tears dried up but I still feel like there's more left in me. I still need to cry but like always I shut it all inside me only to let tiny bits seep out now and again. I am sure the flood gates will open again. It's therapeutic. I need to mourn the loss of myself and my innocence. All that pain is still within because I never fully let it out. Again, it's not pain for V it's pain I never let myself feel. It's more residual pain than anything. Maybe this is why I never feel fully satisfied....