Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Struggle

Awhile back Andrew and I decided we were ready to add to our little family.  We had a daughter, a house, two adorable dogs, decent jobs, and a great marriage.  It was time to move on to the next chapter of our lives.  Little did I know that next chapter would take years and end in heartbreak.

In August of 2009 we decided it was time to start trying to have a baby.  I went into it excited and thinking things would happen quickly.  It happened that way with Suri.  I got off birth control and then *BAM*, I was pregnant.  I figured it would be the same this time around.  I was wrong. 

While I watched 99.9% of our friends have babies we were struggling to have one of our own.  It was a painful process to be apart of.  The announcement, the pictures posted, the pregnancy updates, the ultrasound pictures, the baby showers, the births.  Of course I was happy for our friends but I couldn't help feeling jealous and wondering why them and not me?  At first it wasn't so bad.  I had hope.  Then the months passed by, more pregnancies were announced, and then eventually babies were being born all while I watched from the sidelines with questions thrown at me about when were we going to have a baby.  Hope was fading.

With hope diminishing I learned to put up a wall.  When asked if we were going to have more kids I would usually say maybe or eventually but didn't disclose that we had been trying to no avail.  Sometimes I would open up to friends or family but it never comforted me to do so.  It really only lead to more questions because no one else was or had gone through this.  I got to the point where I would act like I really didn't want a baby.  It was easier that way.  If I pretended to myself and to others then it wouldn't hurt so much everytime I had a let down. 

The two year mark, us without a baby and all of them with babies, began looming.  I decided I didn't want to be around people with babies or toddlers, yes, even friends.  It was too painful to see what I couldn't have.  I alienated myself.  It was so much easier that way.  Two years of seeing pregnant friends, babies, and attending kids birthday parties took a toll on me.  Yes, it was easier to just stay away, so I did.

To be continued......       


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