30 Days of Truths: Day 9

Day 09 

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

This one isn't hard.  Finally an easy one.  I will mention no names but some of you may know who I am speaking of if you knew me in high school.  

Someone I didn’t want to let go, but just drifted was J.  I didn't want to let J go. 

We met when I was 16 and she was 14.  We instantly became best friends.  I don't know how it happened but we connected immediately.  When she started high school we were inseparable.  We did everything together.  If one of us didn't go to school the other would ditch or feign sickness to stay home.  We were that inseparable!  Neither of us had great home lives and I think that lead us to become more attached to each other.  We both needed someone.

One day J met JI, a year or so into our friendship.  He was pretty hot back in those days.  All the girls wanted him but she got him.  Her and I ended up having bad blood between each other because of an incident concerning him.  I won't go into details here.  It's not something I care to speak about but I was in the wrong.  After that we drifted.  We really drifted apart more than I wanted.  I was heartbroken.  I had lost my J.  

After I graduated I got a surprise call.  It was her!  She was scared.  She didn't know what to do.  She had no one to turn to but me.  She was pregnant.  She was 16.  I was there for her during that conversation but it was too late.  We still had drifted and I had moved on to my new life.  I was in the military and not around anymore.   I kept in touch as much as I could but it wasn't easy for either of us.  Once in awhile she would reach out to me.  She was having a rough time in life.  JI wasn't the dream guy everyone thought.  All he was  was a pretty face.  


A few years later I ended moving into the same apartments as her after I left my ex.  It was a great thing and a bad thing.  Turns out JI was a huge douche.  I thought my ex was a douche.  This one had him beat by a million times seven.  He pretty much kept her away from me as much as he could.  I lived right across from them yet we barely saw each other.  That sucked.  We tried to keep contact but it was hard.  


I moved away and moved on.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  She wasn't able to have a friendship with me and I was tired of trying.  This went on over the years.  We'd reconnect after a year or so.  Talk then drift.  It was really really hard but I had to let go so I did.  for awhile at least. 


Last year we reconnected again.  It was great while it lasted.  A lot has gone on with her.  She is no longer with him.  She is happier now though and I am thankful for that.  We talked a bit and I thought "we" were back.  Not so.  

I visited her a few times but I'm not sure she's ready for a full on friendship yet.  I wonder if it's because my presence reminds her of the past.   I know now not to bring it up but we just aren't close anymore.  I miss her.  I miss our talks.  I miss my J.


I try to let her go but I can't.  I think I will forever pursue our friendship and when she's ready she will let me know. 

   
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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 8

Day 08
Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

Wow, well that title is straight to the point!  This one is easy and I'm sure you already know who I am going to talk about.  

Before I start I would like you all to know that I'm over the past.  I don't dwell on it and I don't let it fester in my mind.  Of course once in awhile it will cross my mind but I don't let it bother me.  It is the past and something that led me to be who I am today.  If I let it simmer in my mind then I would be a miserable soul.  I chose to move on.  Plus, I am in a happy place now. I will answer these questions because I said I would and I will be open and honest.

I'm sure some of you have guessed this is going to be about V.  He treated me like crap from day one.  I didn't really see it that way at first.  I was supposedly in love and that seriously blinded me to all his wrong doings until one day I saw it.

I was very late into my pregnancy, probably 8 months or so when I opened my eyes.  He was partying a lot and lying about where he was going.  He would say he was one place and when I would call or go to see when he'd be home I would find out he had left hours ago to go to TJ or some club.  I actually drove all the way to TJ once to find him...yes, TJ as in Tijuana, Mexico!  No joke.  Man, I was crazy 8 months pregnant lady!  

Anyway, back to the story.  I start getting suspicious so I do some snooping.  Guess what I find.  An open condom wrapper in his pocket!  Oh of course it wasn't his he claimed.  Next thing I see (another time) is a hickey on his neck.  Really?  Can't you be a little more discreet?  There was more of course but those two were my eye opening moments. 

I was heartbroken by all this.  How could he do this to me when I was pregnant and about to have his child?  It all went downhill from there.  OK really it had been going downhill since before we even got married.  He cheated on me all the time and yet I stayed hoping it would change.  We moved to NC from CA.  I tried everything.  i thought moving would help.  no such luck there.  It would be OK for a month or two then it would go back to the same thing.

After we moved to NC I thought he had changed.  Ha!  I was so wrong.  He had been deployed for 8 months before we moved.  He had left when Suri was a month old.  He had a new baby so there was no way he would cheat now right?  Hehehe. IDIOT ME!  Of course he did!  He was with some chick the entire time he was over there.  He had conjured up some story about me (his crazy baby mama) and Suri.  It really was totally bizarre but she bought it.  He was carrying on this affair even after he left Japan.  They had been communicating via email and this is how I found out about it.  Wow, way to treat your wife huh?  Didn't he realize by this time that I was mega-detective?   

There was more than just cheating and it just all got to be too much for me one day.  I left.  

I think back now and I realize how horrible that relationship was.  He had always treated me like crap yet I stayed for so long.  I really can't remember one happy moment in that relationship.  It really was all a joke.  It was crap.  He treated me like crap and I am so happy I had enough courage to leave.  I left with nothing but my bedset and Suri's stuff.  I started over with nothing.  It was the best decision I have ever made in my life.  Look at where I am now!   
  
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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 7

Day 07  

Someone who has made your life worth living for 

I am totally not the mushy type.  This one is mushy and lovey dovey.  So not me!  I am noticing a trend here.  I am not liking answering these very much.  So far I have only liked one and that was the one about what I loved about myself.  Conceited much?  

I don't even know how to begin.  Who has made my life worth living for?  I have never been suicidal so not living has never been an issue.  I am terrified of death so everything is worth living for in my opinion.  OK, but I guess I'm supposed to name a person, huh?  Well, I guess I'll have to go with the obvious choices...Andrew and Suraya.  Oh wait, can't forget my little monsters Sammy and Lulu.

Those four make my days so much more interesting and fun.  

Andrew is a huge dork.  A big kid really.  That childlike personality he has (he can be serious when he needs to be) works very well with Suraya.  They can play all day long and do the weirdest things and have fun.  Aside from his dorkiness Andrew is the sweetest guy.  He came into my life at a time where I was thinking I was done with men for awhile.  He made me realize there are good guys out there and I knew early in our relationship we'd get married.  I never had that feeling before, where you just know he's the one until I met Andrew. 

Suraya was so young when all the drama happened in our lives.  She knew when I was having a bad time and she would just come up and hug me.  It really was very touching for a 2 year old to sense something was wrong and try to comfort me.  She still does that if she sees me down.   
 

Sammy and Lu are the two most adorable doggies ever.  Both have such different personalities.  Lu is the wild and super hyper one and Sammy is the more reserved one.  They do the funniest things and always have me laughing.  Those two are so much fun.  I am so glad we decided to get dogs.  They make life quite interesting.

I really don't have much to say on this one.  Sorry guys.  It's a little mushy for me but I tried.   

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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 6

Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do.

The one thing I hope I never have to do is bury my daughter, husband, mom, sisters, etc.  I am absolutely terrified of the idea and yes, it does cross my mind quite often that it can happen at anytime. 


Four years ago (next month), we buried Brian, my ex-brother-in-law and Suraya's uncle.  He was only 23.  That was extremely tough.  I never want to do that again.  It still hurts. 


Because of his death I realized how, at any moment, someone can be gone.  You never really expect it to happen to you or someone you love but it does happen.  


I truly hope to never have to bury a family member, especially a young one, ever again.  Unfortunately death will happen at some point to all of us but I hope it's after we all live long happy lives.  


I hope to never have to bury a loved one that had their life cut short, ever again.  

RIP Brian     We love you

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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 5

30 Days of Truths: Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life

It took me awhile to figure this one out.  Everything I hope to do in life I seem to accomplish.  I finally came up with something.  It's something that many many people struggle with...weight.
 
Something I hope to do in my life is continue living a healthy lifestyle.  I want to continue working out and eating healthy.  I am tired of gaining and losing, gaining and losing.  I've done this way too many times.  I know what it takes to lose weight.  I can lose it, no problem but keeping it off is the issue.

I get to a point when I get really thin that I think I will always stay that way.  So not true in my case.  I am one of those that has to work at it.  There was a day where I never had to worry about eating and exercise for weight reasons but once I got pregnant that was over,  Ever since then I have been struggling.

Right now I am on a mission to lose more than I have ever lost in my life.  Why?  Because I have never weighed this much before.  Ever.  I will lose it and I will keep it off this time.

This is something I hope and KNOW I will do in my life.

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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 4

Day 04: 

Something you have to forgive someone for.

So here's yet another one I don't like.  When are we going to get to the happy ones?  I don't even want to go into detail on this.  I want happy stuff.  

I am hesitant to write this but here it goes... 

I forgive my dad.  He wasn't the greatest dad growing up.  The exact opposite actually.  You know how I wrote about how I was with Suraya when I was in my dark time?  Multiply that times 100 and you have my dad.  

I didn't have a good childhood.  I couldn't wait to grow up and move out.  I blocked a lot of it out.  I remember some things but they are not good memories for the most part.  I don't want to go into detail but it was just not a good 18 years of my life. 

I left when I was 18.

I forgive my dad now.  When Suraya was born he changed.  I can talk to him now.  It's still a little awkward because we didn't have a good relationship when I was little but he tries.

I know some people will not understand and may never understand why or how I can forgive.  I chose to move past it and make amends.  I don't want to be angry for the rest of my life and let it consume me.  

I forgive him.    

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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths: Day 3

Day 03:

Something you have to forgive yourself for

I don't like this one at all.  I don't like it not one bit.  *sigh*

The one thing that sticks out in my that I have to forgive myself for is how I treated Suraya when I was going through my dark time.

My dark time has to do with what I wrote about yesterday.  I think I even wrote about it before.

Here it goes...

During that time it was hard for me to function.  I was mourning the loss of my marriage.  I wasn't ready for it.  In the beginning stages I was like a zombie, one of those slow moving zombies, not a fast one.  I was pretty much in a comatose state.  I was in a severe depression.
I stopped eating.
I stopped living.
I stopped caring.

The once loving mother of one was gone.
She died in the process of the separation.  

What I turned into was a bitter and heartbroken woman.

I turned to partying.
I turned to drinking.
I turned to starvation.
I turned to everything but what I should have turned to...my daughter.

In losing myself I lost my patience for her.  Suddenly everything that was adorable, funny, and cute was no longer.  Instead it was an annoyance.  She was an annoyance.

I lost my temper a lot.
I yelled a lot.
I cussed a lot.
I hit her.
I was not a good mom.
I had lost control.

What had I turned into?  How can anyone be so mean to such a cute little child?  Why did I let myself get to that point?  I ask myself this all the time.  Why?

I am no longer this way.  I am better now.  I fixed myself.  It took a long long time to do so but I am better.

This is one thing I need to forgive myself for but I can't.  I can't forgive myself.

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30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself