30 Days of Truths: Day 3

Day 03:

Something you have to forgive yourself for

I don't like this one at all.  I don't like it not one bit.  *sigh*

The one thing that sticks out in my that I have to forgive myself for is how I treated Suraya when I was going through my dark time.

My dark time has to do with what I wrote about yesterday.  I think I even wrote about it before.

Here it goes...

During that time it was hard for me to function.  I was mourning the loss of my marriage.  I wasn't ready for it.  In the beginning stages I was like a zombie, one of those slow moving zombies, not a fast one.  I was pretty much in a comatose state.  I was in a severe depression.
I stopped eating.
I stopped living.
I stopped caring.

The once loving mother of one was gone.
She died in the process of the separation.  

What I turned into was a bitter and heartbroken woman.

I turned to partying.
I turned to drinking.
I turned to starvation.
I turned to everything but what I should have turned to...my daughter.

In losing myself I lost my patience for her.  Suddenly everything that was adorable, funny, and cute was no longer.  Instead it was an annoyance.  She was an annoyance.

I lost my temper a lot.
I yelled a lot.
I cussed a lot.
I hit her.
I was not a good mom.
I had lost control.

What had I turned into?  How can anyone be so mean to such a cute little child?  Why did I let myself get to that point?  I ask myself this all the time.  Why?

I am no longer this way.  I am better now.  I fixed myself.  It took a long long time to do so but I am better.

This is one thing I need to forgive myself for but I can't.  I can't forgive myself.

____________________________________________________________________________


30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So you read this huh? Come on out!

I was only blogging here and there.  Every few months I would remember I had this thing then I would think of something to say.  I was only writing just to write thinking no one was reading this.  It was therapeutic.  I didn't care much if I updated this or not.  No one's reading it anyway right?

Ha.  I was wrong!

The other day I noticed the "Stat" option on my dashboard and when I looked at it I realized people actually DO read my blog.  Ha!  All this time I never thought people did.  It was actually quite a shock to see so many page views.

My question is...if there's so many page views, which would indicate people are reading this, then where are you?  I only have 9 followers.  I have no clue who my audience is aside from those 9!  And yes, there are way more than 9 page views.  

I like reading about people's lives and what's going on (guess that would make me nosey huh?) but I can't follow your blog if I don't know who you are....

Come out come out wherever you are!

30 Days of Truths: Day 2

 Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

This one is a little easier.  Just ask my family, I love myself and sometimes can be conceited.  Well, according to them I am.  What they don't realize is that I do it on purpose in front of them.  Hehe.  


What do I love about myself?  I love the fact that I am independent.

After my separation and then divorce from V I learned who I was.  Before then I was just still a kid in her early 20s without a place in life.  Sure I played the role of mom, wife, student, and employee but who was I really?

Honestly, I should have left him a year after we married but I didn't.  I was pregnant and only 20 or 21 at the time.  I was scared.  I was in the military so I knew I would have an income and a place to live but still, at 20 it's a scary thing to be pregnant and have to do it alone so I stayed.  It turns out I was a single mom anyway with him being deployed (he was in the Marines as well).  I thought things would get better with time though.  They didn't.

I left him when I was 23.  We lived in North Carolina at the time but I'm from California.  I still left.  I came home.  I ended up getting an apartment, a job, a new car, and enrolled in community college.  Now I was all the roles above with the exception of "wife".

During this time the transition was hard on myself and my daughter.  We cried a lot.  We comforted each other (you would be amazed at what a two year old can pick up on when it comes to emotions) but we made it through.

Six months later, V was back in our lives.  We decided to give our marriage a try.  He moved to California and in with me.  It didn't work.  We were more like room mates.  A few months later I asked him to leave.  He did and once again I was a single mother.

This time it was easier.  I already knew I could do it.  I didn't need him and the stress that he brought to my life.  Suraya needed him but she didn't need him to live with us.  It was too volatile of an environment.  Suraya and I made it through and now we are doing amazingly well.

I met and remarried the perfect guy.  He is Suraya's dad and he is the type of husband I always envisioned (well, except for the rich part.  He's not rich).      

Through that experience 7 long years ago I became a stronger and more independent person.  I was a scared kid when it all started but I grew up.  I made my mistakes in parenting, life, dating, etc. but I learned and moved on.  It took a few years but I figured out who I was.

I know who I am.
I know now that I can do it.
I can make it on my own.
I can make decisions on my own.
I can do anything I put my mind to.
I am independent and I love that about me.      

 ___________________________________________________________________________

30 Days of Truths

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truths - Day 1

Here we go....

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Oh man, it had to just start with that huh?  Well, what do I hate about myself?

I hate the fact that I'm an unorganized person at home or maybe it's pure laziness.  Either way it annoys me.  You would think I could change my ways but I can't.  It just doesn't last.  I would so much rather be doing fun things than cleaning.  Don't get me wrong, I will clean...when we are going to have company...hehe.  Andrew and I joke that we should have company over at least weekly just to keep the house looking good.

My house isn't horrible (unless you look at my bathroom) but it's not the cleanest.  I sometimes wish I could be like those people that have to have a spotless home.  I love walking into a clean and sparkly house an mine is rarely in that condition.  Since living with Andrew I have gotten much much better with my mess but I still can't shake it all the way.  I also sometimes feel like I have tendencies toward hoarding but after watching that show hoarders I learned that I need to let go of useless items.

How does anyone know where everything is supposed to go?  I am so lost in that area.

30 Days of Truth

I saw this on a few blogs I follow and thought it would be fun to do.  You answer one question a day off the list below.  Each day is a new truth about yourself.  I haven't gone through the list yet so I have no clue what you will find out about me!  I'm jumping into this blindly.

30 Days of Truth:   

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Cricut: No need for the cartridges

I posted previously about there being no need for the cartridges when using the Cricut.  This was for other image files that weren't Cricut's.

Well, I just found a way to use images from the cartridges you don't own.  Pretty sweet!  If you're interested, email me for the info.

Here's a little dude I made yesterday.  He was my  test dummy.  It literally took hours for me to perfect the process.  It should be easy now that I know what to do.  Granted, it takes time but so worth it!

Sorry for the blurriness.  When I resized the image it blurred.

Weight Loss Progress

Two months ago I embarked on a new journey.  After seeing pictures of my self on vacation, while still on vacation, I new I had to make a change.  I was pretty horrified at what I saw.  How was I THAT big?  There's no way!  I was even wearing black in the picture.  Shouldn't that be slimming?  Hehe, J/K.  But really, it was time.    

Our vacation was in July and here's what I looked like then:

And here is now (September):

I still have a long way to go.  It's only been two months but I have a lifetime ahead of me to keep up my new lifestyle.  I know I can do it.  It's hard some days and some days I can't wait to get to the gym.  It's an emotional rollercoaster still with the fighting inside my head about whether to go to the gym that day or not.  Going usually wins.

Yesterday I read an inspiring quote.  I am changing it because I don't remember the exact wording but it goes something like this:

You will regret not working out but in the end you will never regret working out.

This was actually a quote for running but I changed it to make it universal.  I definitely butchered it but you get the meaning I hope.